The Week of Love That Felt Like a Year

On Monday of the longest week of my life, Hannah, Briahnna, Darby, Becca, Dad and I met at the Walker Funeral Home in Spanish Fork to work out the particulars of Ben's coming funeral.

Afterward Hannah, Becca, Dad and I went plot shopping.  We had planned to choose a plot in the Springville Evergreen Cemetery up on the hilltop by Mapleton.  There were no plots near the shade, but we were happy to find that the historic cemetery in town had added new areas, and there was more shade.  This little lamb head stone was in the old cemetery.

 Here we see Hannah and Becca walking in the newer cemetery.  In the end we chose eight plots in the old cemetery, about thirty yards from Dad's 3rd great grandfather, Philo Dibble.  Since this is where Dad and I will be buried, we are both happy with the choice, him, because he is close to a direct line ancestor.  For me its because I love that its a historic cemetery, and because its just five minutes from the freeway, I travel up and down I-15 three to four times a week.  Hannah loves the shade, and the fact that its a half a mile from her home.

 Trevor had asked us all to bring our scrapbooks, so that we could mark and scan pictures of Ben.  The chore kept everyone on task, and kept us thinking about Ben in happy ways.

Which also meant that we were buried in happy memories of the days and times of Ben's life, which was a happy experience too.

That night, someone told me that they wished Spencer and Brittney would change Van's name and name him after Benjamin.  I agreed that it would be lovely, but reiterated the obvious, because that is what I do. That the choice was theirs and that we should not try to influence their choice.

The next day, Dad and I were exhausted and missed meeting with the family on Tuesday evening.  However our good friend the Kews came to grieve with us.  They had loved Ben, which was not surprising, everyone loved Ben.

On Wednesday, Spencer took me aside and told me that he and Brittney had decided to add Ben's name to Van's.  Adding Ben's name as a second middle name did two things.  First of all it made Van's (Short for Vancouver) more authentic, by making his initials BC (Benjamin Clark)  which also made it so that he was named after Benjamin Thomas Clark, and even Thomas Benjamin Clark, who were the earliest LDS church members in my family.  (Thomas Benjamin was the member of the Queen's guard in London, who overheard plotters planning to beat up two American missionaries.  He followed them, as a policeman to keep the peace.  They did not beat them up that night.  Later he stood by whenever he saw them, and in doing so heard their message and converted.)

Hearing the news gave me a stab of light and joy.  The first I'd had in days.  I was so grateful for their choice.

 This happened later in the week, but I wanted to show it to you here.

There was more joyful/sorrowful bonding between us all.  I have probably mixed up pictures as to date, but when you and loved ones are meeting at the same place for 7 days in a row, its bound to happen.

 Here's Hannah downloading pictures she'd taken over the last 5 years to be included in the remembrance slide show.  You can see how people wanted to see lots of pictures they had never seen of their beloved brother.

 Yes, being together and sharing memories could bring great sorrow.

 But there was also an amazing amount of comfort that came in the form of hugs and the common love we all have for each other, and Ben.

Not everyone was entirely in the groove, all the time, but the end result was comfort, joy and even celebration, as we laughed about Ben's antics, and were awed by shared tales of his service. (I loved seeing funny, funny Penny, dressed as Martha Washington, shooting a nerf gun, please note, she's pointing the the but end.  Please forgive the comic relief, but it was what I needed at the moment.)

 This gift of flowers, shown here in Hannah's apartment, was from Becca.  It represents all the gifts of food, flowers, ridiculously expensive cookies, massages, a chiropractic adjustment, lunches out, dinners in, contributed food for combined meals, pedicures, manicures, baby tending, thousands of hugs, heart felt notes, phone calls, cards and letters and mountains of Kleenex that were gifted and shared between us.  We were also grateful for that which was gifted to us from loved ones outside our immediate family circle, lightening the load of our sorrow.  We are so grateful for all those who mourned with us.  I sometimes thought I couldn't keep going but the sustaining love of others nudged me forward.  There is real power in mourning together.  It upheld me during this very, very long week.

These are two of my very favorite pictures that were used on the slide show montage that Trevor worked so hard on putting together.  They are also very healing.

Emily flew in on Wednesday, compliments of one of her siblings, picked up by another sibling, we knew we would see her at the evening gathering.

We had Ruth Clayson come by to mourn with us.  Even though Ben just lived in the ward for a year, she had a clear memory of him, and his kindly ways.  Not surprisingly, Ben is a memorable person.

Next these ladies from my service group, We Can, came by with gifts.  I love these kind and generous ladies, and was very comforted in spending time with them.

 That afternoon we got together at Cafe Rio with our besties, for more love therapy.

Then we headed back to Trevor's to continue our vigil.

Dallas joined Darby there, as he had just come back from his trip to Chicago, where Darby was when she heard of the tragedy and had flown home on Monday.

Here we are working on the puzzle some more, which many of us found to be therapeutic.

By Wednesday, Trevor has scanned most of the photos and had started to put together the slide show.

I love this photo, which shows an up moment, sharing among generations.

The kids moved back and forth between the basement play room ...

and the living room.

... and no family album would be complete without a picture of Emily pretending to be asleep.

Zach finishes off the edible arrangement at Thursday's get together, as we await the arrival of the Mitkos from Idaho.

I'd found and washed a blanket that Grandma Connie made for Brittany as a preschooler, and brought it for her.  It made me think of Grandma and Grandpa Perkins and I wondered if they were visiting with us too, along with my parents, and maybe Ben.

That was the night Market Street Grill sent clam chowder for us all, and wonderful sour dough bread.  Ashley, and her two oldest work there, and I thought it was so generous of them to provide dinner.  The next night Trevor's work would provide a ham dinner.

Do any of you recognize this classic Ben pose?

Hannah and Trevor work on adding music to the remembrance slide show.

Davin and Bri spend some quiet time out back. Bri put together the physical program design, and shares the prototype with Brittany, who put it together, asked the speakers and persons who did musical numbers and prayers..

Grandpa and Madi

Eleanor and Mac

On Friday morning (Emily spent the night with us, after Becca loaned her the car she (Becca) had bought for her Nanny who is coming the end of the month.  She has the Crumbl cookies that my work sent, and which we took to our mani-pedi party.

When we walk out, I saw the morning glory blooming for the first time and was touched by its beauty.  I thought of how it only blooms in the morning, yet I still plant it, tend it, and glory in it.  Just like Ben, I may not have him for the afternoon of my life, but I do have wonderful memories of the beauty of his life, and no regrets that he is my son.  He brought so much joy to so many.

When we got there, Hannah and Bri were already getting manicures.

The boys came to help eat the crumbl cookies, bless them, the girls, all nine of them, couldn't eat 12 cookies.  Yeah guys!

Then it was time for the pedis.  We ended up choosing blue polish because its Ben's favorite color, and then went with the one Hannah chose, because we love her.

Ashley's had a rotten morning that day at the dentist, then mechanics, and having Kimmy go to the the eye doctor because she had 'something' in her eye for a few days and it was started to hurt like mad.  The doctor found a tiny sliver of metal in her eye, which had started to rust, causing the terrific pain.  I was glad to see them both smiling at the restaurant, where Kim joined us for Mexican food.

Nell did the toe nail polish for Davin, just because he's silly, herself and Brittney, who didn't want to take the baby to the nail salon because of the chemicals.  Good Mom.  

Davin has the Perkins feet, with the extra long toe.

Davin's is the Hobbit foot.

The puzzle is done as we gather again at Trevor and Nell's.  Here we see all of those who will admit to having helped.

Hall Family Time.

Mac loves bread,  Can you tell?

Here's a picture of the program I stole of cousin Katie's FB

We were grateful for Trevor and Nell for hosting us all week.  There was a lot of lovingly donated food, but they filled in the menus and did the clean-up all week.  I was amazing that Nell had the energy to take pictures too, but we are very grateful to her, and others who took and posted pictures where I could snatch them.  I want to always remember this sorrowful/joyful week, when we sat with loved ones for hours celebrating our wonderful son, brother and husband.

It was a long morning for the kids, as we got there an hour before the viewing, then the viewing went long, and so did the funeral.  They were grand.  We hope they have wonderful memories of Ben.

Such a long, long day.

This is the temporary marker at the cemetery.

Dad's brother Rick and Dad.

Thanks for this great photo, Katie, I love it.  Your baby bump is adorable.

These sweet ladies were ready and waiting to serve us lunch at the ward house afterward.

Edie and Tom Mitko

Doug and Shirley Larsen, Their daughter Megan Nielson, and son Andrew Larsen.

Cousins: Kim, Andy and Ian Hall, Nenna Perkins, Andrew Larsen, Davin and Bri Perkins.

Forward table, Shirley and her son Andrew Larsen with Davin and Bri Perkins.

Kim, Scott and Andy

Ian Hall, my oldest grandson.

Van, Spencer, Aunt Shirley,  and Trevor.

Darla Pierre (Ward member who knew Nell when she lived here) Alexis Grow, sister to Nell Grow Perkins, then Dad. (Behind are Uncle Doug talking to Aunt Nina, my brother Emory's widow.

Cousin Andrew meeting Van for the first time, Brittney and Spencer.

Cousin Megan shares a hug with Trevor.

Megan, Trevor and my brother Doug.

Sarah, her brother Jason and their cousin Phil.

Sam, Andy and Dad.

Sisters Emily and Brittany.

After the funeral and all we gathered again at Trevor and Nell's for an hour or two, then several of us took off to a mind numbing movie.

On Sunday, Dad and I were up early to drive to Bountiful for a homecoming for Elder Parry and found out that his Grandfather lived in our Butler Stake, and was in the play, the Music Man with Dad.  We're still getting more Finnish Missionary connections.  The sweet mother of one of my favorite missionaries sat next to me, and hugged me when I lost it during the closing son, Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd.  There is so much love in this world, and soooo many good people.  Including President Henry B. Eyring, who was there, and who spoke.  Running into my very favorite apostle, was definitely a tender mercy.  Heavenly Father loves us so much.

Emily had spent the night with Spencer and Brittney after taking Sam to the airport in the wee hours.  We stopped by and visited, and they made us a delicious, healthy lunch.  We got to take turns holding our sweet Van.

That night we gathered at Becca and Brady's house for game night.  We played Zilch.

Becca won, and Titan took second.  What kind of crummy hosting is that? Hannah and I came in the last two spots.  Hannah says she has rotten luck with dice games, I usually do well.  Oh Well, that was the last evening of the longest week of my life.  We love you Ben, and know you are in the best place.