Ben's Last Week.

This past week is a little hard to write about, not just because we lost our beloved son Ben, but also because doing anything but focusing on tasks centered on his death and preparation for his burial feels wrong somehow.  Never the less, keeping busy right now seems to be a survival skill, and I'm taking what ever I can find to grasp.  So your getting this bit of our life changing history, a week that has changed us all forever, including the insignificant chores and amusements that were the prequel to the day of the event that will forever be carved in our hearts, August 12, 2018.

 On Monday I abandoned Dad and went off to the Shakespeare Festival.  Here I am, oddly, in Beaver, Utah, taking selfies on our way down. As you may know Beaver is where Ben actually left this world, 6 days later.

Here I am innocently enjoying lunch in Cedar City before our first play. is it crazy that this funny little cafe had funeral potatoes on the menu and I ordered them?  (Definitely not as good as the sisters in my ward make.)

 Dad, meanwhile, spent the day painting the doors to the garage black.  A color that portends mourning, though he didn't think about that at the time.

 Here we are seeing the Merry Wives of Windsor, where I met Falstaff for the first time, and came to understand the many pictures of him I'd seen wearing antlers.  Our Matinee that day was a favorite called The Foreigner. Of course Shakespeare's plays are often tragedies, that tell tales of accidental meetings, human frailties and and tragic coincident that collide to being sorrow to many.

 Here we are at breakfast the next morning in St George where we'd spent the night at Sandy's condo, where we met Sandy's daughter and her son, before all going to the DI nearby before heading back to Cedar City to see our final play, Big River.

Meanwhile Dad was turning more things black, in this case the garage door, where he brushed the paint on for four hours.

On the way home we stopped at a lovely Chinese restaurant in Parowan which had had great reviews on line, which turned out to be accurate.

Dad, after clean up on Tuesday, he headed up to see Van at home.

Here he is, with black paint on his pants, holding his newest grandson,

On Wednesday, after Dad went to the temple to do a shift for someone else, I worked for a few hours on my craft room and then headed to Salt Lake City myself for my own turn holding Van.

I got back in time to attend Young Women's, where we talked about family history work and then had a cemetery scavenger hunt, with this fun treat made by our YW's President, Cheryl.

We had a lot of fun, while we seriously talked about what life in Payson must have been like in the 1800's,  when most of the older stones where placed.  We wept over baby's headstones, and felt deep sorry for the parents of three children who passed away within 7 months.  I considered my life, raising children, knowing that modern mothers expect their babies to live to be adults, and we take that for granted.

We found the historic looking monument, that marks the grave of our stake president who foretold the coming of a temple to Payson.  He passed away about five years ago.  His name is Lyman Willardson.

 I worked on Thursday, changing out displays in my booths there.

 Later in the day, Craig came by to do a little shopping, definitely a blast from the past.

 I'd found a cloche that fit my antique Victorian card dish, for which I have been searching for years.

Dad had painted these wicker chairs after he got home from his normal morning session at the temple.   We had chosen these for the balcony off our bedroom, and he hauled them up, along with a small black table, because one of our missionaries and his parents were coming for a house tour, along with a couple in the stake with whom they are friends. I think he said his phone ap recorded something 18 flights of stairs for the day. Go Dad.

 Jeremy Gigena is our missionary with his parents, and on the right are the Bradys, she is our stake Relief Society President, and Dad knows them pretty well because he was the high councilman to their ward for years.

 It was fun to sit and relax in my clean house after they left.

 Here's a cute picture Spencer and Brittney set up for Van's first week.  I love it.

 I spent Friday finishing up my craft room, after days and days of organizing.  It feels great to have it in shape.

Dad, meanwhile was painting the back door and screen door, from the family room to the back patio.  Here are the before and after pictures.

 On Saturday Zach came to visit, while his parents were off at a disk golf tournament for his Mom's birthday.  I went off, leaving my men, to do a morning of garaging.

 While I was gone, Dad put together this table I had 'designed'.  He admitted that he doesn't actually like it, but I love it.

 We compromised and decided to use it in the family room.

 That afternoon this young couple went to the antique mall to buy this organ-sesk, she had been saving to get it for months.  Dad and I had made it years ago, and used it for many years.  It had been at the mall for several years as well, but I brought it home last month as it was not selling and it was taking too much room there.  Julie who was working. gave them our number and they came and bought it out of the garage, for 50 less than it had been at the mall.

 That night we had a nice surprise visit from Trevor's family after they had visited an art show to culminate art lessons Eva had been taking in a near-by town.

 We had a nice but quick visit.

Early Sunday Davin and Bri came by and had the task of telling us about Ben's death earlier that morning, while camping with them and Hanna near Beaver.

 We still had Zach with us and decided to follow through with our plans to go to Brian Martinez' home coming.  When my mother lost loved ones, she always tried to retain her composure by continuing with her normal tasks, rather than indulging in the tears that come so frequently.  I guess she was an early devotee to the quote so popular now, Keep Calm and Carry On.  We hugged our relatives after the homecoming, but didn't go to the open-house after, as we didn't think we'd be equal to socializing at that point.

Davin and Bri had generously offered to notify Ben's siblings, but we thought it was something we should do.  It gave us a task to do, and offered us time with our beloved children, even though it was painful to see their pain.  We did end up having to tell all the girls, except Becca, by telephone, and felt bad we weren't there for the physical connection that slightly lessens grief.

 That night we all gathered at Trevor and Nell's to take comfort and to share stories and pictures of this so loved brother and son.  This is a picture of Brittany and Emily, both facetiming with us, as they interact with other.

 This is a video of the kids, sans Ben, who fake slept during the whole performance, singing the family song that the kids did for us while we were on our mission. That is soooo Ben.

 Here's another memorable moment.

 Remembering and sharing good times with Ben was very cathartic.

It was a long day .... and there will be more before we finally learn to accept this direction that our family has now taken.  We loved Hanna so much, and are so happy that she intends to continue being a Perkins.  Emily said, wisely, that now Hannah will fill Ben's space in our family, she loves him so much.  We know we will love having her with us, not just because we love her so much, but because in so many ways she helps keep Ben 'alive' for us.  He loved her so very, very much.  It was such a joy to witness.  Now that knowledge brings all of us pain, and I'm sure that this separation with be hard on Ben as well.  We are so grateful for our knowledge of the fact that he is with loved ones, and there are no migraines where he is.  Only opportunities to serve and show love to others.  We know that this is the perfect mission for Ben, to keep him occupied, until we each have the turn to embrace him once more.